Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A plan of attack

It's 2:52 in the morning here in the Chi. A cold evening, with a slight breeze blowing on the streets, no cabs blowing their horns at pedestrians and the sweet smell of freshly baked apple pie filling the air in the hallway.

Like I said, it's 2:52 in the morning, well, it's now 2:55, and I'm still wide awake, loading songs to the iPOD, printing sheet music for future gigs and typing silly stories for this and that site. I really can't tell you why I don't go to bed. My gato has been sleeping for the past three hours on the chair by my desk. I feel tired, but still I sit, wasting a good night's sleep....again.

So here's the plan that I've manifested this evening to help me get to bed. Combined, I have ten digits on my feelers. Five of 'em on the right, the other five on the left. Some are more important than others, in this way or that, but a few really serve me no purpose at all.

Like the set of ring fingers. I wear one ring on my right thumb. Always. I don't wear anything on my ring fingers. And the way it has went these past thirty years, most likely, I'm not going to be putting either of my ring fingers to use with a wedding band any day soon.

Now, with these two fingers missing, I will have a harder time playing guitar and typing but that's OK. Hendrix taught himself to play right handed and he was a southpaw.

So, what I plan to do is walk into the kitchen, grab the 12-inch knife that I use to slice beef, poultry and fish with and whack off either one, or both, of these pointless fingers. One or both depending on how much pain I have from the first.

So after the digit, or digits, has/have been removed, I will wrap a clean towel around the stub of a nub I got left on my hand/hands and phone a taxi to pick me up. Of course, I will bring the departed fingers with me, placed in a Ziploc bag with ice, to the hospital so I can have them maybe re-attached. And after the doctors fix me up, with or without the ring fingers, I will be doped up enough on Morphine that I can come home and sleep the night away.

When Tuesday arrives, I will go to the pharmacy and have my prescription filled so that I can again sleep well for the rest of the week.

Really hope this works.

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