Saturday, January 3, 2009

Irregular Periods

I wrote this some time ago, but came found it tonight while I was cleaning out my computer. Enjoy.

Yesterday, the 11th of April, as I sat on the steel folding chair at work, looking out the front window of my store, watching the silly fools who live in Chicago with me trying to battle the “Spring” elements: quarter (25 cent) sized rain drops, snow that was blowing left to right, not straight down, and hail the size of a shooting marble, I realized once again, that I need to make MUCH more money. (And yes, I know, that was one LONG fucking sentence.)

So I opened up “The sib of the Trib”, The Redeye, and began searching merrily for a way, anyway, that I could score more dineros. As I stumbled through the rag, I came across an ad on page 34, looking for people to be used as guinea pigs for a study on irregular periods. And after the group had finished their studies, each person that volunteered their time as an experimental piece would be rewarded with $

I didn’t think twice. I mean, it was $500 for five hours of tests. I’ve got to work close to 80 fucking hours to make $500 at the communist shit hole that I work at.

So I picked up the phone to call the number.

*RING* *RING* *RING* *RING* and tell the girl who answered which test I was calling about.

“Um, sir, this test is only for women,” says the young lady.

“What do you mean, only for women,” says I?

“The test that you are inquiring about is in regards to people with irregular periods sir, so, you being a man, automatically disallows you,” says she.

“Yeah, irregular periods,” says I, “I’ve got those.”

“Sir, how can you have irregular periods,” questions her.

“To me, irregular periods aren't just the days that I didn’t feel like spending $150 on a pair of shoes I’ll only wear once.....”, says I.

“Sir....” I hear her say.

“....I can go months without wanting to meet a woman, date a woman, sleep with a woman or even see a woman because one of your bitch sisters really pissed me off in someway. We'll call this period 1. Then, after that period has passed, I follow it up with not wanting to be without the woman that got me over the lying, cheating, back stabbing whore that put me in the first period. We'll call this period 2. And after period 2, I usually go into the one when I don’t want to see, to talk or to hear another guy because most of the idiots are self centered douche bags who only date girls that their buddies think are hotter than hell so their egos will be boosted by the slaps on the back from their pals. We'll call this period 3. And usually by this period, I’m back to the first period because the “nice girl”, period 2, who got me over the “evil bitch”, period 1, has turned out to be an “evil bitch” herself by banging out with one of the self centered, egotistical back stabbing douche bags I call my friends. That, my dear, is one nasty, irregular cycle,” says I.


“Hello,” says me?

She hung up.

I guess my periods aren’t irregular enough for this study.

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