Thursday, May 5, 2011

9 Phrases a Woman Can Use to Describe Herself that will Make Me Run Away

Working in a bar, I have so many unwanted conversations. This seems to be a frequent. Like these women have a script book they're reading from.

9) "I live life to the fullest!"
(Is this the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, sweetheart.)

8) "I love to laugh" or "I'm fun-loving"
(Wow! A person who enjoys laughter and fun? What a rare individual you are! I must be with you at once. Just once I'd like to hear "I love to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")

7) "I'm ____ years old but I look much younger than that, don't ya think?"
(Sure you do. Do not fish for compliments. When I feel you should have one, I will give you one.  Isn't self-delusion great?)

6) "I'm a down to earth..."
(If I hear this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know what I'll do. Down to earth means; relaxed, open minded, take is at it comes. You, sweetheart, have went to fix your face in the bathroom 13 times since you got here, 20 minutes ago!)

5) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!"
(You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.)

4) "I'm intelligent."
(Blow smoke up your own ass much?)

3) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."
(Astrology? If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)

2) "I'm looking for the one" or "I'm looking for my soulmate"
(This can not be used as the reasoning why you have fucked 6 different guys this week, and it' only Wednesday.)

1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose some weight real soon."
(This is a sign of insecurity. I did not, nor will I ever, make any comment about the size of you. If you think you're fat, you probably are, do something about it. If you are planning to do it real soon, why haven't you started yet?)

Now, when you put all of these things together the end result of the conversation usually looks something like this....

Me:  How you doing?
Her:  Hey there. I'm having so much fun because I'm a fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers who is looking for an intelligent guy who loves to laugh.

Me: Uh, ok.
Her: God, you're so cute and have a great body. I love that you're in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight very soon.

Me: Thanks and good for you.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Brad Pitt?

Me: Once or twice, but I really don't see...
Her: OMG! I'm so glad you're not older than 30! I'm 49, but I look MUCH younger, don't ya think?

Me: I guess.
Her: I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! I hope you have a big house, because my landlord just kicked me out!"

Me: I need to go back to work, there's a lady down the bar who needs another drink. (walking away as I motion to the door guy to get her out of the bar.)

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