Thursday, August 28, 2008

Top Ten Future Employment Opps for Jay Mariotti

Ohhhhh, this glorious Friday. The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. The Cubs are kicking ass all over the place. It couldn't be any better of a day. Well, for some I guess it could be. Like Jay. It could, maybe, be a little better for him. I'm sure he doesn't like to see, or hear, three-quarters of the population of Chicago dancing and singing in the streets because he no longer writes for the Chicago Sun-Times. Those folks like Pete Gaines, a long time non-reader because of Mariotti ,who will start reading the paper again.

Jay, if you need help with the job hunt, these following suggestions may be of some help, pal.

10. Web Editor

With his resignation letter to the Chicago Sun-Times on August 26, 2008, Mariotti declared that newspapers are dinosaurs and that his future lies within web sites. Perhaps he will become the new editor for or something along those lines.

9. Inventor

Fearing for his safety, as usual, Mariotti will develop a personal protection device made of wood that will stand three feet tall, have several compartments for storage, four legs and hide behind it on a regular basis. Months after he reveals the invention, it will be brought to his attention that "the desk" has been in the public eye for decades.

8. "J" Instructor

Mariotti will become a journalism instructor for Tiny Little Town Junior College in Beezle Bump, Somewhere. On the first day of class, he will hand out an article in which he tells his students he hopes that they will someday write with the greatness he did in the piece distributed to all. When the class meets the following week, the article is handed back to him by one student that has circled all of the "I"s, "me"s and "my"s. After counting the circles, the total is 142. Much like a fellow journalist at the Rocky Mountain News did with a column he wrote while writing for them.

7. Gossip Mag Contributor
The bio section of this page,armchairgm says that "Jay Mariotti is a sportswriter and gossip columnist...". I think that most would agree that with his fear of going into club houses, all he can actually report about is, well, gossip, passed on information from other journalists that aren't affraid of facing the people that they trash talked the day before in their columns. Let him add more to those rags that sit by the registers at Jewel.

6. Boxer

It also states on, armchairgm, that on June 22, 2003, Mariotti threatened Rick Telander of the Sun-Times, an ex-Northwestern footballer who was drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs, by saying, "I would love to punch you", during a game between the Cubs and the White Sox. Telander responded with, "That would be the saddest day of your life," and Chris De Luca, also of the same paper, separated them. Jay, you want to throw hands? I'm pretty sure Kimbo Slice is looking for his next opponent.

5. Civil Rights De-Activist

It is a civil right to have freedom of speech. Perhaps Mariotti doesn't believe in this freedom. Though the original has been taken down, Mariotti once "personally begged [Wikipedia]" to "shut down" an entry about him and they did. But our boys over at had this link, armchairgm, or even, wikipedia, that looks an awful lot like what Jay may have begged to be taken down.

4. The guy for hearing aide commercials

Maybe Jay should have been using one on this day when he wrote an entire column about something that he thought he heard Rex Grossman say.

3. Real Life Blow Up Doll

In the October 2006 edition of Chicago Magazine, Mariotti told interviewer Dirk Johnson how he felt about the feelings of other Chicago sports journalists toward him: "take your shots at me, all you're doing is making me more famous." Man, if somebody would have told me that my being a dick all the time could make me famous I'd have started being one a whole lot sooner than I did.

2. Starter of Hostile Confrontations

While Jay worked for the Rocky Mountain News, he called Broncos QB John Elway "a greedy and scared punk." All this did was piss off a bunch of Broncos fans that retaliated with promises of death for poor lil' Jay.

1. Contributor for the growth of future sports writers

The way I look at it, if Mariotti isn't going to be making the money that he was to make until 2011 by the Sun-Times, maybe they can work out a deal with, I don't know, TTCS founders for more money? Didn't think so.

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