Don't you dare try to tell me how to raise my kids.

Today, I had an appointment with my dermatologist for the psoriasis that has been wreaking havoc over my body for the past eight years by making my arms, legs, chest, stomach and back look like a red, not black, spotted Dalmatian dog.

And as I awaited the arrival of Dr. Doolittle to the examination room, I grabbed the one and only magazine on the back of the door. I can’t remember what it was called, though it was something along the lines of Familyhood, or How to be Good Parents or The Way to Destroy Your Child.

But anyway, as I flipped through the pages at a medium pace, I stumbled across an article written by some Dr. Couldn’t Tell My Ass From a Hole in the Ground. It was just like Dear Abbey or her sister Ann Landers. (I hope that is correct info, but I ain’t too certain and to tell you the truth, I really don’t give a flying fuck.)

There was a question sent to this Dr., by a mom in Someplace, Michigan asking him if he thought it was a good, or bad, idea to install a lock on the inside of her 13-year-old daughters bedroom door. The lady continued on about how her daughter has been asking for one and she and her husband are going to install one, but just for a quick check, wanted his opinion on the matter.

So, Dr. CTMAFAHITG writes back to her and tells her that he would advise highly against installing a lock to the inside of her daughters door for several reasons.

The first reason that he gave was, ‘Incase there is an emergency, or a fire, and you or your husband need to get into the room, you won’t be able to if the door is locked.

The second reason he gave was, ‘In today’s world, our children grow up so quickly with television and the internet, and most teenagers who have locks on their bedroom doors only want them installed because they will consume and store alcoholic beverages behind locked doors and partake in drug usage.

The third reason he gave this poor lady who has probably been checked into a mental clinic by know worrying about her little girl with the locked door that was installed before she read the nice Doc’s response letter was, ‘Beside the booze and drugs, most teenagers, especially the young girls and young boys, will sneak their “boyfriends/girlfriends in through the bedroom window late at night and start to explore their sexuality’s.

Who and the fuck does this cat think he is telling this mother information like that?

I know that when or if I get married and have children, their doors will certainly have locks on them. If there is a fire in the house or I need to get into my daughters/sons bedroom to save them, I’ll bet my left and right testicle I ain’t gonna let any $3.00 lock keep me from busting down the door.

And if I want the door opened to check and see if Freddy Jr. or Fredricka are smoking weed or dropping acid or just storing the shit in the old shoebox beneath their beds, that lock ain’t gonna stop me still.

And if I think that my little guy is banging out with the head cheerleader of the highschool he goes to, I’ll let him have his fun. And if it is my little princess with the starting quarterback, I’ll let the misses deal with her.

But I will never, listen to some fucking guy who thinks he is going to save the world by saving the children from their mistakes. Everybody makes ‘em doc. And everybody learns from ‘em. If you want to raise your children to be shy and sheltered and scared shit-less of everything in this world, be my guest, go right ahead. I’ll see you when you catch your daughter in bed with Lil Freddy at 3 in the morning.

Freddy in the Chi.